Well I guess I should tell you a bit more about me. I am a middle aged woman going through menopause, doing it tough like all women at this age. I have struggled for years to find my identity even though it was staring me in the face, I fought getting old, I fought the fact that my family are my calling in life and I drove myself mad failing at a lot of things because I wasn’t pursuing what God’s call for my life was, I was fighting against it. It wasn’t until 2 weeks ago when I realised this IS where I am meant to be, this IS what I am meant to be doing, this IS who I am meant to be. I was so caught up in being something else that I totally lost focus on the most important job on this planet, mother and grandmother. Don’t get me wrong I was still doing all the things, I am the central hub of this family, I am the one everyone leans on, wants to hang out with, calls upon asks for help. I am the gravy to this family steak I guess you would say LOL! Even my mother relies on me, it is a really heavy burden, she is old, on her own, impatient, entitled, emotionally unstable and really hard work, she has been my whole life but the Bible says to respect and look after your elders and that is what we do. Don’t get me wrong she has been there for us throughout our lives and if it weren’t for her prayers our lives would be so much different.
I live on a cattle property with my husband and 15 year old. My husband is the manager here, and while it’s a great lifestyle, it’s very stressful as well. Our relationship has suffered coming out here to work, but we still hold strong. Just because our welfare system has made it easy to leave your spouse and live alone it’s not what scripture tells us. Anyway things aren’t that bad that we can’t get through them together, that has always been our motto and trust me our lives have been total chaos when we were young.
I work as a real estate agent for my aunt, she is nearly 80 and still loves it, I hate it but it’s a job. I was once a very successful agent back in my 30’s but a near breakdown caused me to give it away for 13 years and I swore I would never go back but here I am today. This is a tough industry, no scruples and probably not a chosen one for a person of faith but it pays some bills and I am grateful for that. I found it hard going back to this industry in my 50’s, there are so many young ones out there, vibrant agents, plenty of energy, no conscience and ties, makes it hard to compete.
I am a solitary person, I am happiest when I am alone, or with my dogs. I love the peace and quiet of my own company, I love not having to talk, I love not having to have an opinion on crap I am not interested in. I love to read the Bible, in my opinion it is the best history and self help book ever written. My favorite movies are adventures, and I will watch the same move 50 times if I loved it. I love living on a farm, even though this isn’t ours. The freedom, the fresh air, the space around you is something you will never get in a town or city. Country life can be tough, but I wouldn’t trade this lifestyle for the world.
On a deeper level, I feel like a failure a good majority of the time, it stems back from my early years. I was always competitive at sport, I always got into the best teams, was always in the top 3 and it just wasn’t an option to be a loser. Well that dumb attitude cannot be sustained throughout life and as I started to lose at stuff, I started to feel failure and it eventually engulfed every portion of my being. If I didn’t do something properly it wasn’t a chance to do better or improve it was just failure, nothing more nothing less. That is such a toxic way to bring up kids and then at 16 I had a baby and my husband was a total asshole but just a kid himself. We were both raised with a poverty mindset, I was from a wealthy family in the city, he was from a poor family in the country but both families had a poverty mindset. It wasn’t until just recently that we have realised that this mindset has held us back our entire lives and caused me to feel constant failure. So changing mindset at 53 is going to be challenging because we get set in our ways, but unless I align my mind with Heaven that poverty mindset will never go away. As women we feel like there is always something we need to improve upon, that we are never good enough, the way we look is never good enough, they way we bring up our kids is never good enough it’s just such a curse society has put on us, but you know what, we need to stop listening to society and start listening to those around us who know us best, who loves us and of course to our Heavenly Father. Once we do that I reckon we can start to relax and really power ahead down the race track of life!
So that about wraps me up. A mum, nannee, wife & daughter, why would I want to be anyone else!